The first chapter of the book I am writing for my children

As I reflect back on the last year of my life, it is hard to put into perspective how far I have come. One year ago today I celebrated the birth of my third child, Macey Rae. To say that having Macey has been life changing is an understatement. I can still remember with vivid detail the moment that I saw two blue lines on the pregnancy test…it was a shock like almost no other. I had a hard time adapting to a surprise pregnancy, especially after only having Maia six months earlier. I went through the gamut of emotions; fear and elation, disappointment and excitement, worry and confidence. The worst of them all was the guilt: guilt over feeling upset, guilt over Maia having to share with a newer, younger baby so quickly, guilt over feeling guilty. I had come a long way from the scared woman who was first afraid she would never have children, after waiting over two years for Hunter to be conceived, and then the woman afraid she would only have one child, after living through five gut wrenches miscarriages. When I think back on how much I ached for these children, there is no question that God works in mysterious ways.

There really is no way to explain the pain and grief of a miscarriage; even the loss of an unintended pregnancy shakes you to the core and makes you aware of the fragility of life. My first miscarriage occurred only six months into my relationship with Mark. Not only was I not ready to have another baby, but I had just been through a divorce and was far from feeling prepared to get remarried. Ironically enough, it was the day after I moved in with Mark that the miscarriage began. I can still remember how I was standing in line at Publix to order a sub when I felt the gush. There was no question in my mind what was happening; I drove to the doctor’s office in the haze of a grief induced high. It felt like an out of body experience when they drew my blood, ran tests, and confirmed what I already knew…what had once been the beating heart of my beautiful child now lay dormant as his or her soul made the long journey to heaven.

It was during the night of that first miscarriage that I truly fell in love with Mark. I had always loved Mark as my dear friend, but it was that night that my heart realized that he was the soul mate I had long been searching for. Without even saying anything, he knew exactly how to calm me and comfort me. In that silence filled with our shared pain, my heart could hear the screams of our two souls colliding, and I knew that we would be together forever.

Although there were four more miscarriages and none of them were quite as cathartic as the first, each one of them was instrumental is proving to me that children, healthy and happy children, are truly miraculous blessings. When I had my fifth miscarriage, three days after Christmas and six weeks after Mark and I got married, I accepted with a sense of peace that Hunter was going to be my only child. Maybe it was the peace I found in that moment that allowed my body to hang on to Maia’s little beating heart. I lived in fear for the first four months of my pregnancy that I would feel that all too familiar gush. It was hard to enjoy Maia’s pregnancy….until I first felt her little kicks and pushes. I had just accepted that everything was going to be fine when the blood tests came back with the frightening results that indicated Maia may have Down’s Syndrome. The following two weeks were the longest of my life as we waited for our amniocentesis. It was during that procedure that the doctor commented on us having a “healthy little ballerina.” A daughter! A healthy, beautiful daughter. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

But…fifteen months after Maia’s birth I got more. Beautiful Macey Rae arrived, almost three weeks early, with a head of dark hair and a face that reminded me of my own. Even today as we celebrate her first year of life, I can’t help but look around my house, so filled with love, laughter, and joy, and remember the days when I thought I would be childless. Nowadays, I never question God’s will, for this life I live is truly a blessing.