You
asked me a question yesterday that sounded into the deepest part of my soul:
“Mom, what do you like best about me?” It came after a conversation I was
having with your younger sisters, who at 8 and 9 years old respectively, are
constantly inquiring about anything and everything. The topic of their
questioning last night was the attribute about each of them that is my
favorite.
Now all moms know that it is best to shy away from any line of questioning that
involves the word “favorite”, but I have recently gotten into the habit of
speaking to my girls about their character. Even at such young ages I can see
the dark cloud of insecurity looming in the distance and I know that all too
soon their sweet innocence will be shrouded by puberty and mean girls and boys
and body image and everything trying that comes with adolescence. In these
precious last moments I want to pump them full of everything positive I can
think of, so I gladly play the favorite game that they have grown to love.
I told my middle child that my favorite thing about her is her giving spirit,
how she is always willing to let others choose first and simply take whatever
is left over for herself. I told her that I am proud of her for always acting
as the peacemaker in a busy house full of children and pets.
Then I moved on to my youngest child. I told her that I love her nurturing
soul, how she is always trying to make people who are sick or hurt feel better.
I told her that I see a great comforter in her and know that she will always be
the first to offer help when someone is in need.
You. You my almost 14 year old son. You were sitting at the table during this
conversation, wearing your earbuds, absorbed in some video on your phone like
you always are these days. On a daily basis I have conversations with you that
I realize you have heard none of because you are deeply immersed in your
adolescent world, a world dominated by cell phones and computers and screens. A
few years ago I stopped trying to force you to be engaged in all of our family
conversations because I could see that your world was shifting. Instead of only
needing reinforcement from us at home, you began to also need it from the other
people in your world: friends, teachers, and coaches. I tried to fight this
until I realized that finding your place in the world beyond our home is a
crucial part of your maturation. It was your first attempted flight out of the
nest, and even though I wanted to hold onto you and keep you young, I knew I
had to let you fly and help you should you fall.
You are not only my first born: you are also my only son. Parenting you has
brought with it both many first experiences for me and also many only
experiences for me. I learned how to be a mother when you were born, every
instinct in my body taking over and showing me how to keep your precious life
happy and healthy. As the oldest child you have to forge ahead in life with me
and your dad scrambling to keep up with you as we traverse each stage of your
growth for the first time as parents. This isn’t easy for us and sometimes we
make mistakes, so please be patient with us. In addition, as my only son, you
and I share many experiences that make our bond very different from my bonds
with your sisters. There is something unique and special about our dynamic that
I will always cherish in every part of my fiber.
I want you to understand how hard it is to start letting you go, something I
have already begun to do. I know you think it feels like an eternity before you
will be off to college and beginning your own life, but let me assure you that
the next four years are going to pass at lightning speed. I blinked and you
were a toddler. I blinked again and you were waving independently as you walked
into your second grade classroom. I blinked again and you were taller than me,
saying “I love you, Mom” in a voice that I didn’t recognize as that of my son
because you sounded like a man. The next time I blink I will be dropping you
off at college. I’m not ready for that yet so even though you are blinking as
fast as you can because you are ready to grow, I am trying as hard as I can to
not blink at all because pretty soon, very soon, my time with you will have
passed. I know that we will always have each other, but once you know that you
can fly without me nothing will be the same. I know you will need me but you
won’t need me the same way that my heart will always need you.
Sometimes you say things that make me realize that my baby boy is still
somewhere inside the handsome young man that you have become, and when this
happens my heart flutters because I know I get at least one more chance to
shower you with the love and guidance that God entrusted me to share with you.
In the middle of my conversation with your sisters, you pulled your earbuds out
of your ears, put down your phone, and said to me, “Well, mom. What is your
favorite thing about me?”
I could tell by the tone of your voice and the way your eyes pierced through me
that you genuinely needed to know and hear my answer. Weathering these last few
years of your adolescence have been some of the most difficult years of our
relationship. As our dynamic has morphed into something new, we have not always
handled this gracefully. There have been fights, slamming doors, angry words,
and lots of tears. We have both said things we wish we hadn’t and withheld
other words that we should have said. We have both been stubborn and prideful.
But we have continued to love and forgive each other as you have experienced
adolescence for the first time and I have experienced parenting an adolescent
for the first time.
There are so many things that I love about you that it is hard to pick my
favorite. I love that you are so open-minded to trying new things. You will
give anything a shot at least once, and I know that this will allow you to live
a full life. I love that you are kind and respectful to your teachers, coaches,
and friends. I love that you are not afraid to meet new people: that you can
hang out with any type of person or group and have a good time. I love that you
have always chosen nice boys to be your closest friends. You have no idea the
sense of peace this fills me with because I know how much your social circle
will shape your experiences and decisions. I love that you still ask me to hug
you even though you are bigger than me now. I love that you will still let me
snuggle with you because you know that I need this even though you don’t
anymore. I love that you will still give me a kiss in church even though most
boys your age would never do this anymore. I love that you pay attention to the
small things: you always notice if I have on a new outfit or have gotten a
haircut. I love that you are growing into the kind of young man that I am proud
to call my son because even on those hardest days of adolescence, I can look at
you and see the kind-hearted and genuine person you have always been inside. So
what is my favorite thing about you? Well son, I think my favorite thing about
you is that you have always remained true to yourself no matter what the
situation. To have that kind of strength and resolve at such a young age makes
me realize that, no matter what, you will always be just fine.
Of course I answered you yesterday in much fewer words than this. Had I
pontificated, you would have rolled your eyes at me, so my answer was brief
just like you prefer. After I told you my favorite thing about you, you smiled,
jammed your earbuds into your ears, and drifted back into your adolescent world.
As you ambled away from me and my heart ached for that chubby kneed toddler of
your past, my heart also felt proud and excited because it could see the future
you have awaiting you on your journey, and I know that everything will turn out
just fine.
