32

Today is my birthday. It has only just begun since it is just after midnight. Normally I brush my birthday off. After all, once you hit a certain age it just doesn't seem to carry the same weight does it? Tonight, as I was sitting in the quiet comfort of my home while everyone else was sleeping, I couldn't help but think about my life and how much has happened in 32 short years.

I wrote my immediate family (my mom, dad, sister, and brother) an e-mail a few weeks ago thanking them for their constant love and support. My journey has not always been the easiest to maneuver or watch, but I have reached a place of nirvana. I could not have done this without them. I spent the first two-thirds of my life filled with self-doubt. Was I smart enough? Pretty enough? Making the right choice? I struggled with low self-esteem, insecurities, anorexia, anxiety....you name it. I have made my share of mistakes and I am flawed. What I have come to realize during these 32 years is that I am OK with all of these things, and I have learned to embrace myself and love myself just as I am. Am I emotional? Yes. Over sensitive? Yes. Sometimes too quick to speak? Most definitely. But this is who I am, take it or leave it. I have chosen to take it.

I talk a lot about my family, my entire family. This is not just the people related to me by blood or marriage but anyone who has seen my inner craziness, who has listened to my rambling stories, who has seen me laugh until I cry, or who has heard me express worries. My support system has given me the foundation I have needed to grow from. For this I am eternally thankful.

I guess I have realized that following your heart is not a bad thing but ignoring it most certainly is. When I went to college and declared education as my major, so many people told me this was a mistake. "You are too smart to be a teacher" or "You will never be able to have a fruitful career" were statements that caused me to ignore my heart. I changed majors five times, insisting in my mind that everyone else had to be right for having doubts and that I was wrong. I ulimately decided to listen to my own heart and I am glad every day that I did. I have always loved working with people and studying learning. This passion has not only allowed me to work as a classroom teacher and mentor, touching the lives of others, but also to establish a successful private business. Could I be making more money elsewhere? Probably. Would I be as happy? Definitely not.

I no longer strive to be perfect. I am perfect. The most perfect version of myself, flaws and all. And you know what? That is just fine with me. I wake up in the mornings feeling grateful for my life, and I go to bed feeling blessed for the gifts I have given and received. If that doesn't make me a success I'm not sure what does.

I get upset when my students question themselves for not "being perfect" and plead with them to let this go. This doesn't mean we all shouldn't evaluate our mistakes and learn from them. I think this is crucial in order to reach a place of true happiness. What I don't support is beating yourself up for these mistakes. We all make mistakes. It is learning from them that really matters. I have learned the most from the missteps I have taken, and I would make every misstep again to get to where I am today. I never loved myself until I saw the love that my oldest child had for me in his eyes. He didn't care that I wasn't perfect because in his eyes I was. Perhaps we all need to look at ourselves through these glasses.

Life is too short to live in fear of falling. I am the mother who dances with her children in the kitchen and jumps on rafts with them in the pool. I am the wife who trusts her husband with all of herself and thinks he is God's gift put on this Earth just for her. I am the sister and daughter who supports her family and embraces them for all the gifts they offer to this world and speaks her mind effortlessly. I am the teacher who believes in her students, all of them with all of herself, even when they stumble. I am the friend who is there to answer the late night call or offer a listening ear. I do these things because this is what my heart tells me to do and I follow it. I am not blind to reality and logic, but I am connected with my soul and the souls of those I love.

Some people may have gotten there faster than me, but I have found peace despite all of the obstacles I have faced over the years. Adversity has reared its ugly head at me, but I have prevailed and risen above it to become the best version of myself possible. So, on this birthday of mine, I am going to sit back and appreciate myself for who I am, blemishes and all.

Mother

Being your mother
What does that mean?

It means I laugh when you laugh
and I cry when you cry

It means I worry about silly things,
like you hurting yourself when you ride your bike,
and I do silly things
like always give you a kiss right before I go to sleep

It means I give all that I have inside of me to you
so you always feel happy and loved
and I do this willingly because even when you make bad choices
I'm still so proud of the person you are

Being your mother means
that I have learned as much from you as you have learned from me
and that each day I am thankful for how you,
each one of you,
was necessary to make my heart complete

Being your mother means...
just being me

Lima beans

I find it interesting that lately I have had a lot of people tell me that they admire me for having "figured it all out." I guess it makes me wonder what the fascination is with having all of the answers? It is like I tell my students all the time: life is not about being perfect, it is about being the best version of yourself that you can be. If I was to constantly strive to be perfect, well that would lead to a consistent stream of disappointment.

What I have figured out in my 31 short years is that I don't need to figure it all out and have all of the right answers. In fact, some of the most important lessons I have learned in this life came as the result of some terribly poor decisions or mistakes. Sorry to let people down but, yep, I make mistakes too.

I am one of the least conceited people in the world, I actually struggle with being too humble and not appreciating my strengths enough, but I do know that I am a devoted wife and mother and a committed worker. I am proud at how much I learn in these areas because I am insistent on constantly evaluating the ways I handle things and how I can do them better. Does this mean I am perfect? Far from it. I stumble and fall just like everyone else, but what I don't do is stay down and wallow in my own self-pity. Instead I pick myself up, brush off the dirt, and figure out the best way to avoid falling in that same hole again. Sometimes I fall more than once, but that's OK. When I stop evaluating why I have fallen then I am in trouble.

I guess I'm kind of like the dynamic protagonist in a story. Antagonists may come and go but I will always rise above them. This is the commitment that I have made to my family, God, and myself.

I don't want my kids to be perfect. In fact, I relish in their missteps because they allow me to teach them how to overcome them. This is not to say that I enjoy watching my kids make mistakes (what mother doesn't want to protect her children from ever feeling pain?), but the reality is that they are going to make them, a lot of them, and that is OK. What I don't want is for them to act like victims and curse the world for their bad fortune. Instead, I want them to grab the universe by the horns, look it in the eyes, and say with confidence "I will overcome this obstacle and come out of the other side a better person." Life is like a giant obstacle course. Why is it that we find obstacle courses fun as children but not as adults? Maybe it is the need to be in control, or maybe it is the desire to predict everything that may come so we can avoid the negatives. I think I am just a realist because I know that, no matter how hard I try, bad things are going to happen. I do not live in a protective bubble void of all evil. If I can give my children this perspective and the tools they need to maneuver it, I know they will always be alright.

I definitely don't have everything figured out. I feel like every day brings with it a moment where my eyes have been opened to something new or different. Perhaps the trick is not being afraid to open your eyes and grasp the world, even the parts that are less than savory, but instead to accept life for how it is: full of moments and experiences that are often challenging. Don't these moments help us to appreciate the beauty even more?

After all, dessert is always sweeter after choking down a plate of lima beans.