The Broken Road

I spent so much of the earlier part of my life not believing in fate. It seemed like a concept too contrived, created by Hollywood producers to sell movies by winning over audiences of overly hopeful romantics. To be honest, I struggled with my faith for the majority of my life. I think that all people struggle with their faith to a certain extent. There is some inherent part of human nature that fills us with the burning desire to be in control. To willingly offer this control up to some higher power, well that's just a notion that I think is difficult for a lot of human beings to grasp.

What I have realized is that while I may have control over my day to day decisions, there is no doubt that a path has been laid out for me. I don't think that God's plan is so strong that we can't alter it temporarily, but it has been proven to me in my life that I ultimately end up exactly where I am supposed to be. This is a conversation I have weekly with my seniors as we discuss their dreams...the next phases of their lives. I have been watching these amazing young people grappling so much with knowing what the right choice is. It is hard for me to explain to them that the right choice is the one they ultimately will make, that THAT choice is exactly the one they were destined to make all along.

I think this is why I have genuinely never felt nervous during a job interview. I have always embraced that I will end up where I am meant to be, that if I don't get a job it is because it wasn't what I was supposed to be doing in the long run. At some point the epiphany struck me like a ton of bricks; while I stubbornly resisted giving up my control to something greater it was happening right under my nose the entire time.

There is no doubt that God brought my husband into my life for a reason. Did I realize as a young girl watching her older neighbor that he was actually my soulmate? No. Not at all. The thought never really entered my mind. Yet at the same time there was always something about him that brought me magnetically to him. There is little doubt in my mind that someone somewhere all along knew that we would eventually figure it out. Even though I'd like to think we came together all on our own, my heart knows that this simply isn't true.

This is a notion that Mark would discuss with me repeatedly when I was going through the series of miscarriages I suffered. It was heartbreaking to feel that there was nothing I could do to prevent them from happening. I can remember so clearly him telling me in the calming way that only he could, that the baby I had lost had been lost for a reason. I never fully understood that until Maia and Macey were both born. If I hadn't lost the five babies before Maia, then I wouldn't have been blessed with my two girls. Despite the pain and suffering I went through, I would experience them all over again to have the priviledge of being their mom. God knew the children that were meant to come into my life, and I am grateful.

It sounds so cliche to say that everything happens for a reason but, quite plainly, it really does.

My path so far has been far from easy. Despite the success and peace that I have now found, getting to this place was far from glamorous. It reminds me of that country song, "God Blessed the Broken Road" which seems to encompass what I feel in my heart so clearly. The road that leads us to where we end up is most definitely going to be filled with pot holes and unpleasant surprises, but where it leads us makes that treacherous journey so worth it. For me it is not so much "in the journey" but the pot of gold that awaits me at the end.