Just "Kim"

Today, I am just not feeling it. The "it" that I'm not feeling is lurking like a monstrous, hideous gorilla in the room: parenting. Today is one of those days that I feel like just being Kim. I sometimes don't even remember who she is. The person she was before having children who has been long buried in piles of laundry, late night barfing, tattling, signing paperwork, coordinating the calendars of five individuals without (dear God) making one blunder, and putting the needs of everyone else before herself.

I think as a mom this is a blasphemous confession to make. A confession that will have "better" moms turning their noses up at my apparent willingness to admit that, at the end of the day, I am human, I am flawed, and sometimes I long for the simplicity that existed before I earned the title of Mom.

But you "better than me" moms, I know you secretly have these days too but are too prideful to admit that mothering is without a shred of a doubt the hardest title you have ever and will ever receive. And, it is a title that brings an endless to do list that draws on every ounce of your will to even attempt to manage every single day of your life without reprieve.

Because, you see, we can't turn this off even if we are physically away from our children. After all, how would those we left in charge even begin to function without the detailed lists and spreadsheets we leave behind? The pre-filled out forms, the pile of already stacked uniforms, the daily itinerary that keeps our family afloat, the wisdom that our oldest child will only eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in his lunch, our middle child only nutella, and our youngest only nutella and peanut butter? That for breakfast, our oldest likes his egg wrap with cheese and salt & pepper, our middle with egg and salt & pepper but no cheese, and our youngest with egg and salt but no pepper or cheese? Who else knows the millions of tiny details that allow us to make it through the day with only a small number of tears and the least amount of frustration? No one. No one knows this but us, and even though it allows us to know every member of our family most intimately, we are often left to wonder who knows what we like in our morning wrap? No one else but us because we are the keepers of these important pearls of wisdom. The pearls of wisdom that are simultaneously enlightened and suffocating.

Today I felt suffocated by this role.

Today, I wanted to be just Kim. I didn't want to me "Mom" or "Wife" but Kim. Kim the girl who used to climb to the tallest branch of the tree in her backyard and read books. Kim who loves to feel the sun on her skin and the sand between her toes. Kim who likes to lay in the damp grass at night and look into the vastness of the sky feeling both empowered and intimidated by the understanding of her own smallness in the big picture of God's universe. Do any of you even know these things because I sure know them about you. I hold on by the hope that one day you will understand that for so many years I willingly chose you over me because that's just what parents do.

I know that tomorrow I will wake up to a different day, a day in which I proudly grab the title of Mom and traverse its challenges with ease and peace. I know this because I have had days like this before and will no doubt have them again in the future. My sense of peace returning will begin when I walk in to check on you in bed later and stall for a minute to take in the beauty of your faces and watch how your chests slowly rise and fall as you dream. When I lay in the quiet of our dark house tonight, I will remember the immense quiet that accompanied my life before children and be thankful for the noise that you bring me, a noise that always reminds me of the beauty and dynamism of life. I will remember the tears I cried when I prayed for over two years to conceive my oldest and the subsequent tears and despair I felt when I suffered five miscarriages before my second was born. I will remember how much I ached and prayed to earn this title, and my heart will swell with pride for the family we have together, no matter how chaotic and suffocating it can sometimes make me feel. And, most of all, I will realize that I can't remember who Kim was before children because she is a ghost from my past who has morphed into the person she is today, a person that I am always thankful for and proud of.