Security

It happened to me again this morning. The kids are all at Vacation Bible School, and the house is quiet. After doing my normal mom chores (cleaning, laundry), I decide to lay down and read. How often do I get the chance to read during the daylight hours? Never. So, I grab my tablet, dowload a book, and pick the most comfortable spot to lose myself in the story. After a few minutes I realized that I, once again, had positioned myself squarely in the middle of Mark's side of the bed. I have noticed this trend before and have often wondered....why is Mark's side of the bed the most comfortable place for me to relax? Why wouldn't I pick my own side of the bed where the right pillows are positioned in the right way? There is only one logical answer: I feel the most comfortable nestled in the spot my husband frequents the most. The spot that carries his faint scent. The spot that makes me feel like he is right there with me.

I'm sure this prickles the neck hairs of the feminist mindset. I am a strong woman. I am a successful woman. I am a woman who does not need a man to survive. I can trudge my way through this world dependent on only myself. I do not need a man to make me whole.

But, in reality, I do need Mark to make me whole. This isn't because I am weak. This isn't because he is a man. This is because Mark has a natural way of bringing out the very best version of me. In fact, I am strong enough to now realize that although I could make it through this world all on my own, I don't want to. The journey is sweeter when you have people who love you along for the ride.

I have always told Mark that of all the things I appreciate about him, I appreciate the most how he has given me the security to strive for the best. To not be afraid of the "what-ifs" that so often cloud my worried mind. The old stereotype mandates that men are rational and women are emotional. I don't know about other women out there but for me, although emotionally centered, my rational side sometimes worries me out of trying something great. My husband has taught me that there is only so much I can control. He has helped to nurture my faith in myself and allowed me to stretch to a place of understanding about who I am that I never thought was possible. And, along the way, he has been my biggest cheerleader. When I worried myself sick for months grappling with the decision to continue my career at the school or venture out and start my business, Mark was the one that finally asked me, "What do you feel in your guts?" With that simple, emotional, somewhat "feminine" logic, the right answer was so obvious that it almost blinded me. "But, what if I fail?" I asked him. His answer was as straightforward, honest, and unwavering as he is: "You won't."

To this day, 9 years into our relationship together as a couple and 33 years into our relationship as friends, Mark has never let me down. Not once. Have we had our share of fights, hell yes. But through it all I know that no matter what life throws at us, we will continue on our journey together laughing, crying, cursing, smiling, and loving.

When I take all of this into consideration, it really isn't that surprising that my comfortable spot is where Mark is. Next time he is out of town, I won't be surprised to wake up in the morning and find myself curled up on his pillows on his side of the bed (like I always am even though I start out on my side) because, even when he isn't right next to me, he is inside of me. He is continuing to weave himself into the very fabric of my being and making me stronger and richer by just being himself.

He's the best security blanket I've ever had because he will always be there not only offering me sanctuary but also pushing me to jump.